Leaving on a jet plane

Not on a jet plane, but leaving a lot. Right now I am missing a party for new reasons. I was free from the perfect arrival time, I don't have work due for tomorrow, I wasn't invited but the people I usually go to parties with are there so I wouldn't be out of place. I'm not ill (touch wood, I'm always ill). Nope, I just didn't *have* to go. I can stay in and tweet about House and nothing bad will happen. The people I'm not spending tonight with won't form new alliances and best friendships and in jokes that will make me feel left out or lonely or have repercussions for years to come because school, where these things matter (sometimes to me, not inherantly) is nearly over for good. I'm having stress dreams not about the people I'll never see again but about my future and not doing what I'm capable of. It's not that staying in makes me work a lot, but its something like working is the stable thing that isn't going to change next year, and its comforting, unattainable and frustrating - all the things I like in the people with which I tend to form flirtatious attachments. I wasn't doing nothing tonight; I was drinking wine and chatting and laughing with two people. I only want small groups at the moment, to keep close to people personally, not vaguely mingle with acquaintances - that's what next year's for. I think I'll make a list of all the things I didn't do in secondary school (so tempting to say "high") and those I just did in the last few months. I'm in my own head a lot in certain groups, but I don't mind. Nothing is making me unhappy, nothing sad. I'm not even panicking or nostalgic. It's a kind of numbness and deja vu. Loose ends are being tied up; everything else has already happened. It's been 7 years, there are bound to be repeats. I'm probably avoiding thinking about the biggest things, the question I am repeatedly asked and am asuredly in denial about but that'll be ok until it's not. This is the strangest limbo time. Interrailling to look forward to, glastonbury, and long periods of concentration and House episodes before that. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I still feel as affectionate towards everyone and it's strangely satisfying to know where everyone is (creepy) I'm just not feeling... fake.


my god I'm sorry for anyone still RSS'd to this